Blackbird
by PerelandraDweller
Summary: "I feel...dead, even more so than before. Why do I feel dead, J.J.?" After Ian Doyle's death, Emily must confront her own emotions and finally put Lauren Reynolds to death as well. One-shot.


**"Find your tribe, and run with your tribe. There are no lone wolves in the Kingdom." Heidi Baker.**

I stare at the blood on my hands and wrists. I don't remember touching Ian, but somewhere along the way, I must have reached out to him. I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I need to get control of myself before -

Someone opens the driver's side door the SUV and slides in slowly. It's J.J. Somehow I knew it would be. She places both hands on the steering wheel and for several seconds she says nothing. I have no words to fill the silence. I can't comfort her and tell her I am okay. My body is numb, and my thoughts are flying through my mind faster than I can grasp them.

Without a word, she turns the key and starts driving. Somehow, her silence gives me the permission I have been looking for for eight years. The tears begin to fall without my ordering them. My entire body is shaking. The sobs come in great gasps, from relief or horror or grief, I can't tell. I am undone. A barrage of thoughts come powerfully over my mind like a tidal wave forcing itself upon an unwilling, defenseless shore. I'm not sure how long we drive, how long I cry. I know that we should have reached F.B.I Headquarters a long time ago, but J.J. continues to drive in silence.

As the gasps begin to come slower and the tears stop falling, the SUV slows then stops. I'm not sure where we are, but the streets outside the window are deserted. The yellow glow of routinely placed street lamps is the only light around us. "Where are we?" I ask.

"About thirty minutes outside of the District," she replies.

"We're almost back to D.C.?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you. I know...I know that you - " Why can't I think of words? Why can't I focus on one thought for more than one second at a time? Why can't I make my hands quit shaking? That's when I look down at them again and see his blood. "J.J., do you have anything I could wipe away - " I hold my hands up to her.

She purses her lips. "There's a First Aid kit in the trunk. I'll grab you something."

"Thanks."

In just a few moments, she is back with wipes and a clean cloth. I reach out for them, but she opens the wipes and begins to gently clean the blood away. I don't stop her. I don't want to fight anything anymore.

"I feel...dead, even more so than...before." I confess unable and unwilling to stop the words from coming out of my mouth.

J.J. is looking down at my hands, so I can't see her expression.

"Why...why do I feel dead, J.J.?"

She raises her head. I can see tears in her eyes and red streaks running down her cheeks. I realize that while I have been sobbing next to her, J.J. has been shedding her own silent tears. "Do you really want to know the answer?"

I nod my head though the motion feels as if it is happening to a stranger's body.

She stops cleaning my hands and grasps them instead. "Ian took everything away from you, Emily. He took away your life, your freedom, your choice. He forced you to abandon who _you_ are to become what he desired. He murdered you, Emily, a long time ago. When he drove that stake through you he was only completing something he started years ago. After him, you had to be Lauren Reynolds to survive if he ever came back for her. This was the life forced on you by a mission, by _him_. You have spent the last eight years living in a cage he constructed, and you have tried to make a life in that cage. But tonight, Emily, _you_ broke that cage into pieces. The bars are shattered; the door is open. You are free. Emily, you did die, and Lauren was born out of your death. But tonight...tonight, Emily, you get to reclaim your life, and it is Lauren who is dead. That is why you feel dead, Emily. Because the person who you were forced to become is no longer needed. The light is shining into the dark place you've kept yourself for almost a decade. You are free. You are safe. Ian is dead, and now Lauren can die too. You won, Emily. You beat him."

More tears fall uncontrolled down my cheeks. J.J. pulls me into an embrace, and together we sob. Waves of relief and also fear of the unknown wash over my mind, but the storm calms as I feel the warmth of J.J.'s body against mine. She is something strong and sturdy to anchor me in this storm. My whole team is. In their arms, I have found a refuge from the squall. "It's over," I gasp, feeling my body tremble in disbelief. The breaths I take feel lighter than I can ever remember. I know the next one is not a question.

"Yes, it is," she murmurs pulling slightly away from me, and now I see she is smiling. "You can come home to us."

I nod my head, and this time I know it is me, Emily Prentiss, who is in control of this body. My own words echo in my ears, _Lauren Reynolds is dead_. I realize now that I never believed those words. I never killed Lauren in my mind. J.J. is wrong about one thing. I didn't keep Lauren alive because I feared Ian. Lauren would never be able to kill Ian, that would always be left up to me. I kept her alive because she loved him; I made her to love him. I lived vicariously through Ian and Lauren's love for one another. I had never found my own home, my own people to love, but here, in J.J.'s arms, in the loving embrace of my sister and comrade, and in the strong tower of refuge built around me by my team - my family - I, Emily Prentiss, have found where I belong.


End file.
